It’s been a long time. I’ve gotten another new phone, so maybe for some time I’ll start writing again. We’ll see…
Mom’s going in for surgery on June 4th. Three more cancerous lumps. She may lose the use of one of her arms, and I’m not sure what I think of that.
On a more positive note, Lor and I are planning to go to California in August with Liz. Never been there so I’m ultra excited.
Got to start drawing so I have shiz to post…
Sometimes I wonder at the world, at both bad and good, swift and slow, smart and stupid, and I am just at a loss.
Mostly, I wonder at people though and begin to understand why I’m a shut in, why I can’t stand being around others for long without tiring. Some people, yes, try hard to succeed, others to fail, but in the end it destroys other people, other creatures, our world. You can’t obsess over something without something else suffering for it, with both bad or good intentions behind it. What you can do is tip-toe through your life and really hope for the best and open your arms to ready yourself for the worst.
I wonder at lies, and the way people tell them. Some are purely malicious, others selfish and cold and painful in the deepest part of your heart. Some lies are told for your good, even when later they are demeaning, hurtful, wrong.
Honesty is raw and powerful. It can destory things, great things, insignificant things, but rarely is it wrong. It will clear the air between people, save your life, save time, save your world, save your friends. Sometimes it saves you from other people. Sometimes, until things are honest and raw to your very being, honesty will show you that someone is not your friend, your lover or your family. Good or bad, it is right.
I wonder at love, how simple, how complicated it can be. Can one love and be honest? Not always. Love moves you towards good things, bad things. We must share it carefully. If given recklessly it can smother, destroy, empower and with greed and selfishness and lust, kill. Yet no one can escape it. Love is given whether you desire it or not.
I wonder at greed and its sheer power to rip shit apart. Greed leaves something with nothing, always and forever. It is an unyielding cycle of hunger and devouring and thirst that will rape land, people and send money to the wrong places, to the ‘right’ hands. They will things to change that no one tortuously involved with such things would ever, never want, but satiate very few uninvolved people of their greed for but a blink in Earth’s time. All for nothing but the beginning of a new cycle.
I wonder how my time here will change things, and I mostly don’t worry, because I’ve become numbed of empathy and power and will and I believe in the end we will destory ourselves, and with it, all that is truely dishonest and wrong and greedy. All that has become, simply put, unnatural.
So, I should be super excited or happy or whatever, but I’m not, because I’m incapable of being a human being.
I feel like I’m always messing things up. I don’t have to try. In fact, if I try to make things better, I end up making them worse. Sometimes I don’t, but far more often than not I do. Maybe I’m just a fool, and I’m fucking things up that no one else would, but fuck I wish I could do better.
The past who-knows-how many years I’ve been a fuckhead, messing it up more and more and more and more until it no longer seems salvageable. But then I’m suddenly forgiven of my shitty mess-ups and I’m skeptical because I know I don’t deserve it, because, fuck, I’ll mess up again soon and they know that too.