[I think this post warrants a warning in itself: what follows is a reflection on my feelings of the moment. It's quite seriously a 'woe is me!', pathetic, filthy little whine fest.]
I think the title states it all clearly; I’m feeling really bitter towards just about everything right now. My family is, for the most part, excluded from this cynical attitude but I cannot help but to feel utterly disgusted, revolted, and irritated by so much else in my life right now. This is new to me; I do not usually feel so trapped. It’s a perverse sort of feeling, like I have been robbed of the ability to enjoy myself even in the presence of my precious Skhizein, who has always been my champion and muse. It has made him feel insignificant, and I’m disappointed in myself for not responding to his efforts. I must pull myself out of this, for him at the very least. I can’t bear to see him sad because of me.
I’ve lost much hope in humanity. People, and I’m not excluding myself, are disgusting creatures. We are selfish, ignorant, and cruel. People from all walks of life have shown me this. Some may tell themselves that they are doing what they can to better themselves but I still see their thoughtless corruption spewing from their words, actions, life. No matter how much I change myself, my impact on this world is negative, thanks to our society, culture, the compounded habits we have formed over the pathetic amount of time we have been organized on this planet. It’s painful to realize, for sure. I have always wanted to be better, more aware of my ways, wrongdoings, imprint on this insignificant world. Better than what? For what reason? So I can lament and rant about how ignorant everyone else is? I cannot; I am still useless. I am still ignorant.
I take the bus to my campus every day for financial and environmental reasons, and yesterday I found myself standing at a stop next to a freeway. Not only did I see the ground littered with it’s usual highway filth, but at my very feet were literally hundreds of cigarette butts across the pavement, the dirt, the grass. What appalled me was the fact that a garbage can was not five feet away. Five freaking feet and you can’t move your worthless ass to toss your cancer stick? I further witnessed this laziness, this idiocy, after inhaling some second hand from a guy for three minutes before he tossed it from his fingers. It took a lot of restraint to stop me from hitting this perfectly healthy man over the head. Though, the look of surprise and embarrassment on his face after I threw his shit away was priceless. If I had the time I would’ve cleared the rest of the lot, however I only have two chances to catch my ride home before I’m stranded and that doesn’t leave me with much of a window. Perhaps a bit day by day. Whatever the case, I certainly can’t remember the last time I littered and yet all these pathetic campus children are constantly throwing their crap around. I don’t even give a fuck if there are campus cleaning crews, learn some fucking responsibility and manners. Dammit people.
[Later] Well, I’ve lost my spark (or lack of spark) since Skhizein just interrupted this vent. I’m feeling better now, though I’m still disgusted with people. At least I can move on though – I love you Skhizein <3. [/later]
Well, the day of May 17th has become something of an official holiday to me. It’s the day I’m relieved of BioPhysic’s cold, suffocating grasp. It’s the day I can reclaim some of my freedom from what I would term as ‘industrial learning’. I absolutely cannot wait for summer to come. I plan on getting so much done, so much that I guess I should make a list I can reference if I by chance get bored during my break:
Practice Guitar.
Practice Japanese.
Draw, write and work on Skhizein”s and my story.
Learn programming (still not sure which one… probably C++).
Get one hour of vigorous exercise every morning and night.
Play RPI MUD’s again. Been developing a character for the MUD ‘Shadows of Isildur‘; I hope they don’t disappoint.
Role-play more with Skhizein.
Start a short comic for practice.
Make a character I don’t mind throwing to slaughter so I can write the previously mentioned short comic about them.
Eat and acquire a taste for vegetables so I can be a healthy Vegan and not a junk food vegetarian.
Go to the doctor… Ugh… haven’t had to suffer through that for years.
I’ll be adding to the list as I remember my other goals. It’s a lot to aspire for, but they are things I realized I desperately want but didn’t have time to learn/focus on this past semester.
Well, other than waiting for May 17th to come, I’ve been up to nothing unusual. My Mum is going into surgery soon to remove her tumor. It has luckily gotten small enough to surgically remove and hopefully she won’t need too much radiation afterwords. It’s taken quite a toll on her. Anyways, hopefully it is going to be over soon.
I’ve been studying for some tests coming up, working on papers… all schoolwork really. I did finally get a good pair of rollerblades so I can go fast enough for my dog. Whatever is wrong with my knees makes running with Suzu a challenging prospect, because of the impact or something. So far, rollerblading has not hurt them substantially, much like biking. Honestly, I hope they improve with exercise because they are constantly aching some days. It’d be nice if they did… very nice.
Hmm, I’d have to say that I have finally stopped chewing on my nails as well. They look and feel much better now but I’ve caught myself transferring my nervousness/restlessness/etc. elsewhere, especially biting my lip. Besides sheer will, there isn’t much I can do to stop myself from doing that, so I hope it doesn’t become a habit. Maybe with the coming of summer, I’ll get more comfortable and cease this kind of habitual behavior. Which reminds me, my paranoia of ticks has hit me at full force already and I haven’t even gotten one yet
I’ll post some of Skhizein’s writing later, because his poems inspire me. After reading some of his stuff over again, I find it amusing that he writes so darkly and yet his happy mood at home provides me with a beam of support in my life. I’d surely be nothing if he were not here with me on this wretched planet. I can’t wait until he actually writes something he really wants to because he’s so good at it, I don’t doubt that it would end up being something wonderful.
Well, I have to go to my BioPhysics class, so I’ll end it at that.
Well, here I am. After losing all of my previous posts, I figured I should start off the way I started off in my last blog: with Joker! Indeed, the same quote even. Wonderfully creative, yes?
Anyways, I now know how to back up my database and have realized with utter embarrassment that, no, the posts are not saved as html files somewhere in my subdomain. Needless to say, I’ll be backing it up from now on. I’m taking advantage of my loss by reorganizing a lot of things and cleaning things up in general. Yay for pretty permalinks and a new ‘About’ page. I’ll be covering some of my favorite stumbles from StumbleUpon in this post.
Yeah, that means no complaining this time around.
First off, this website I found recently: YouShouldHaveSeenThis.com. It has quite a few of the videos and websites that were hideously popular, but funny enough for me to note regardless. Must sees would be Charlie the Unicorn, Mentos and Diet Coke, Fail Blog, Where the Hell is Matt, The Pet Penguin, I Like Turtles, Look at That Horse, Sneezing Panda, Matrix Ping Pong, Evolution of Dance, Battle at Kruger and Christian the Lion.
Because it was and is the most ‘holy shit’ cute I have seen for a while, here’s the Christian the Lion video: