Bitter
[I think this post warrants a warning in itself: what follows is a reflection on my feelings of the moment. It's quite seriously a 'woe is me!', pathetic, filthy little whine fest.]
I think the title states it all clearly; I’m feeling really bitter towards just about everything right now. My family is, for the most part, excluded from this cynical attitude but I cannot help but to feel utterly disgusted, revolted, and irritated by so much else in my life right now. This is new to me; I do not usually feel so trapped. It’s a perverse sort of feeling, like I have been robbed of the ability to enjoy myself even in the presence of my precious Skhizein, who has always been my champion and muse. It has made him feel insignificant, and I’m disappointed in myself for not responding to his efforts. I must pull myself out of this, for him at the very least. I can’t bear to see him sad because of me.
I’ve lost much hope in humanity. People, and I’m not excluding myself, are disgusting creatures. We are selfish, ignorant, and cruel. People from all walks of life have shown me this. Some may tell themselves that they are doing what they can to better themselves but I still see their thoughtless corruption spewing from their words, actions, life. No matter how much I change myself, my impact on this world is negative, thanks to our society, culture, the compounded habits we have formed over the pathetic amount of time we have been organized on this planet. It’s painful to realize, for sure. I have always wanted to be better, more aware of my ways, wrongdoings, imprint on this insignificant world. Better than what? For what reason? So I can lament and rant about how ignorant everyone else is? I cannot; I am still useless. I am still ignorant.
I take the bus to my campus every day for financial and environmental reasons, and yesterday I found myself standing at a stop next to a freeway. Not only did I see the ground littered with it’s usual highway filth, but at my very feet were literally hundreds of cigarette butts across the pavement, the dirt, the grass. What appalled me was the fact that a garbage can was not five feet away. Five freaking feet and you can’t move your worthless ass to toss your cancer stick? I further witnessed this laziness, this idiocy, after inhaling some second hand from a guy for three minutes before he tossed it from his fingers. It took a lot of restraint to stop me from hitting this perfectly healthy man over the head. Though, the look of surprise and embarrassment on his face after I threw his shit away was priceless. If I had the time I would’ve cleared the rest of the lot, however I only have two chances to catch my ride home before I’m stranded and that doesn’t leave me with much of a window. Perhaps a bit day by day. Whatever the case, I certainly can’t remember the last time I littered and yet all these pathetic campus children are constantly throwing their crap around. I don’t even give a fuck if there are campus cleaning crews, learn some fucking responsibility and manners. Dammit people.
[Later] Well, I’ve lost my spark (or lack of spark) since Skhizein just interrupted this vent. I’m feeling better now, though I’m still disgusted with people. At least I can move on though – I love you Skhizein <3. [/later]
Kris