Mordacious

Sometimes I wonder at the world, at both bad and good, swift and slow, smart and stupid, and I am just at a loss.

Mostly, I wonder at people though and begin to understand why I’m a shut in, why I can’t stand being around others for long without tiring. Some people, yes, try hard to succeed, others to fail, but in the end it destroys other people, other creatures, our world. You can’t obsess over something without something else suffering for it, with both bad or good intentions behind it. What you can do is tip-toe through your life and really hope for the best and open your arms to ready yourself for the worst.

I wonder at lies, and the way people tell them. Some are purely malicious, others selfish and cold and painful in the deepest part of your heart. Some lies are told for your good, even when later they are demeaning, hurtful, wrong.

Honesty is raw and powerful. It can destory things, great things, insignificant things, but rarely is it wrong. It will clear the air between people, save your life, save time, save your world, save your friends. Sometimes it saves you from other people. Sometimes, until things are honest and raw to your very being, honesty will show you that someone is not your friend, your lover or your family. Good or bad, it is right.

I wonder at love, how simple, how complicated it can be. Can one love and be honest? Not always. Love moves you towards good things, bad things. We must share it carefully. If given recklessly it can smother, destroy, empower and with greed and selfishness and lust, kill. Yet no one can escape it. Love is given whether you desire it or not.

I wonder at greed and its sheer power to rip shit apart. Greed leaves something with nothing, always and forever. It is an unyielding cycle of hunger and devouring and thirst that will rape land, people and send money to the wrong places, to the ‘right’ hands. They will things to change that no one tortuously involved with such things would ever, never want, but satiate very few uninvolved people of their greed for but a blink in Earth’s time. All for nothing but the beginning of a new cycle.

I wonder how my time here will change things, and I mostly don’t worry, because I’ve become numbed of empathy and power and will and I believe in the end we will destory ourselves, and with it, all that is truely dishonest and wrong and greedy. All that has become, simply put, unnatural.

So, I should be super excited or happy or whatever, but I’m not, because I’m incapable of being a human being.

I feel like I’m always messing things up. I don’t have to try. In fact, if I try to make things better, I end up making them worse. Sometimes I don’t, but far more often than not I do. Maybe I’m just a fool, and I’m fucking things up that no one else would, but fuck I wish I could do better.

The past who-knows-how many years I’ve been a fuckhead, messing it up more and more and more and more until it no longer seems salvageable. But then I’m suddenly forgiven of my shitty mess-ups and I’m skeptical because I know I don’t deserve it, because, fuck, I’ll mess up again soon and they know that too.

I remember when I was a kid, how jealous I was when I went to a party for someone’s golden birthday. I knew then, that I’d have to wait until I was 24 for my golden birthday to come and boy did that seem like a long ways away.

Well, here I am. Twenty-fucking-four. Little did I know it would be so, eh, un-exciting. I think my dad forgot about it to be honest, and other than the occasional “happy birthday” I haven’t been through anything special.

Actually, that’s a lie. Skhizein gave me the best present in the world. It’s so fucking beautiful, I want more. Heh. See, Skhi drew one of my all time favorite characters from a world we’ve been working on for a long time. The drawing isn’t even finished but I think it’s the sexiest fucking thing, dammit. See below:

The all mightly, all sexy Gyakutai. Now where's his bitch?

Uuuunnfff. So what if he, ahem, looks a tad feminine. Gawd, he’s so fine looking. His hair, skin, guh. I’m so happy. I can’t wait for Skhi to finish him… Skhi said there was more to this, that it’s a ‘cover’. Fffffffuck, I hope it’s a comic cover, heh.

Poor Skhi is stuck in classes, so I’m currently just sitting on my laptop, waiting for them to end. I’ll be picking Skhi up and then we’re going out for pizza at my favorite joint. I swear, Italian Pie Shoppe has the BEST, pizza in the world, mmm. Can’t wait. The $10 off birthday coupon helps too, heh.

In other news, I’ve recently decided to check out some anime/manga/crap again. Most recently, No. 6, which isn’t classified as shonen-ai, but should be, by god. The two guys even kiss, and I don’t think that’s normal. Maybe it’s an anime that’s just got two gay characters, but isn’t technically of the shonen-ai or yaoi genre, but so far the story’s been a little moot for that excuse. Either way, it’s got a novel and so far I like it more than the manga or anime.

Also, I ordered my first new car on July 27th. I cannot wait to get it. I bargained for a smashing good deal of a Ford Fiesta SE, getting $800 below invoice. //fistpumps/ Finally, I’ll have a radio, and air conditioning, and power lock and windows, holy shit. I cannot wait. With my decent credit score I don’t need any help with the load either, AKA I don’t need a cosigner. I feel kick ass. Now, I just need a fucking decent paying job.

Kris